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| relationship guide: keeping the promise to call |
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Last month's column about Valentine's Day sparked this email from a reader: Dear Michell, Thank you for your mail. I can understand why you're upset. Valentine's Day can be such a sensitive subject, can't it? Attention on Valentine's Day really means a lot to us. A woman's feelings can really get hurt when the man in her life doesn't understand. It sounds like your problem involves more than just Valentine's Day. First, you say he PROMISED to call on Valentine's Day and then did not. Also, if I understand you correctly, your fiancé has a habit of not calling when he says he will. Not only is it natural for you to feel hurt, but a pattern like this is bound to diminish the trust in your relationship. Doing what you say you will do is the foundation of a happy relationship. I would choose a time when you both have time and say: "It really hurts me when you don't call when you say you will, and I'd like to talk about it." (Note: Do not say: "Can we talk?" This really stresses men out.) Then take turns. Listen to anything he has to say without interrupting him and then ask him to do the same for you. I call this "Listening until they're done-not just until they take a breath." I do not suggest you ignore his calls until he gets back. That sends a very unclear message to him. It would probably decrease the trust between you and delay a solution. I'm sure it is frustrating for you that you can't just talk whenever you feel like it. That is the stress of long distance relationships! I'm glad that you decided to ask me about it, and I hope that helps you relax a little. I wish you the best. Sincerely, Claire Dear Claire, I followed your advice and I want to thank you. We talked and fixed the misunderstanding. Michell California |
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